Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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