I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
