Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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