Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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