Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
