living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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