remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
