I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
