Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Please, let me fuck your mom
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my being single is dangerous.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
