dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
