she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
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And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
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Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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