I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
