My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Porn is love you can see.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
