omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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