You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
