Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
