he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
