he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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