Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
