I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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