and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
