I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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