I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
