she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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