My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
