I accidentally burped into my bong.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
