You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
