My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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