Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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