I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He better not be in your backpack
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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