Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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