I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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