I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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