Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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