no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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