I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
