Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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