i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
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I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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