The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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