it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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