can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
