There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
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I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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