you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
