Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
