do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
