I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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