he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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