this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
