At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
