hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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