Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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