Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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