i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
this will be a night to untag.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
BRING THE BAGELS
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
