Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
