The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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