i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
